June

So much has happened lately that I’ve almost forgotten how to think clearly. From a breakup in February, to meeting a Brit under ironic circumstances in April, then came my mother’s funeral in May, and leaving my dogs behind in June before a trip alone to AUS and NZL. That’s the briefest summary of my last few months.

What’s left now is a tangled mess of emotions that I’m trying to unravel, one by one.

There was sadness, sure, a heavy kind that sits quietly but persistently. Then there was hope, a flicker, although I weren’t even sure what I was hoping for. Strange emotions had surfaced too, like akward and hopeless, and I had no idea where they came from.

And beneath it all, at times, there was just a numbness.

I’m in my 30s now. Not quite young anymore, but not old either. To me, life has just begun. Yet I have no idea what I should be preparing for. A strong mindset and a kind heart? Maybe. Knowledge? Definitely.

But what else?
Perhaps it is the ability to believe, to truly believe, that good things still exist in this world. But honestly, I don’t know if I can. Because lately, I’m losing hope.